Chocolate Chips
by S.N. Rainsworth
Summary: In which Edward shows his professional skill in baking, Mustang is a man-whore, and Havoc falls in love...with meat. Crack-fic. All-dialogue.


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"...Are you _baking?_"

"What of it?"

"You know how to _bake?_"

"_What of it?_"

"Damn, Chief. You're full of surprises."

"You figure that out now?"

"What're you baking for, Fullmetal?"

"Elysia's birthday - wait a second, why the hell are you in my kitchen? Both of you!"

"Riza."

"Hawkeye."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"So, what kind of cake is it?"

"Why do you want to know?"

"No need to get snappy, Fullmetal."

"It's my dorm, I'll get snappy if I want. Besides, both of you should be doing some crap somewhere else, so why are you here?"

"Paperwork."

"Mission status."

"Assholes."

"Hey, hey. It's not like _you _have mountains of that damn stuff."

"No, I have piles. _Which are given to me by you, bastard._"

"He's got a point there, Boss."

"Be quiet, Havoc. You're the one who didn't want to give his report in."

"Because it's an _oral _report! I'm not good with talking!"

"No wonder you lose all the girls."

"Ha. Even Fullmetal agrees."

"No, I was just saying that Havoc loses all his girlfriends and my '_superior officer_' might just be a man-whore."

"..."

"..."

"...!"

"Ahahahahahaha! This is why I like this kid!"

"Fullmetal - "

"The _hell_ I don't have any more eggs - "

"_Fullmetal!"_

"WHAT?"

"...Did you just call me a - "

"Man-whore? Because you fucking act like one!"

"I'm your _superior officer!_"

"..._who is a man-whore._"

"I am NOT."

"Uh huh."

"Really."

"Then tell me how many of Havoc's girlfriends you've taken."

"..."

"Exactly. You know how many? Fifty two. I should know. You're _subordinate _moans about 'em all the time - and that's just when I'm here for like, a few freaking days."

"He hasn't stole that many..."

"Yes he has."

"Why are we on the topic of my past girlfriends?"

"Because I called you a man-whore. Which you are."

"_Fullmetal I will have you court martialed - _"

"Just 'cause I said the truth? Oh fuck, I guess the _widdle alchemist_ couldn't handle it."

"...Screw this."

"...Dammit, I need more eggs."

"Aren't you using the bought cake batter or some shit?"

"_No, _that thing tastes freaking horrible. I do things from scratch."

"When'd you learn how to _bake _anyways?"

"_From my teacher. Now stop talking before I throw hot oil in your faces._"

"..."

"..."

"...Not having eggs must make him cranky."

.

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"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TWO - "

"Ahahahaha...this isn't what it looks like?"

.

.

"Oh my _god _now I have to start the fuck all over. What the hell is wrong with you two? What the _fuck _possessed you - "

"Whoa, whoa, Fullmetal. No need to get all touchy over a stupid little bowl of batter - "

"I'LL FUCKING GET ANGRY IF I WANT, BASTARD!"

"Ehehe...Chief, do you think you can quick clean us?"

"NO."

"...Please?"

"Fine...only Havoc."

"_What?_"

"I'm betting it's your fault, so you can be stuck in cake batter - _the one I worked hard on, don't you forget _- until Hawkeye comes to pick you up. And we'll just see who's laughing at the end of the day when she gets a load of how much you've been bothering me."

"You're not..._babysitting - _"

"What? You _just _got that now?"

"..._Fuck._"

"Are you serious? Hawkeye left us to be - be - _babysitted **- **_by a kid younger than us?"

"Maturity doesn't depend on age. Hawkeye asked me to look after you guys for a day with extra pay to my account. I had nothing to do and Al is off at some fucking cat convention, so...yeah."

"...How much pay?"

"5,000 cenz."

"_HOLY SHIT - _"

.

.

"Did you really have to tie us up?"

"Yes."

"...with _alchemy?_"

_"Yes."_

"Okay, I swear I won't touch the bowl again! Can you just get me out of this position?"

"Aren't you an alchemist, Mustang? Do it yourself."

"Damn you, little brat."

"_WHO'RE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT HE CAN'T SEE OVER THE COUNTER?_"

"WELL I DON'T SEE ANYONE ELSE WHO FITS THE DESCRIPTION."

"Bastard, remember whose supervise your under right now."

"He's right, Boss. We're like little kids right now."

"And why are _you _giving up so easily, Havoc?"

"I'm not _giving up._ I'm simply accepting the situation. Your stubborn-ness is just getting to you, Boss."

"Shut up."

"Listen to Havoc for once, Mustang."

"Shut _up._"

"Then again, your uselessness of the _situation _at hand must be _sooo irritating_ - "

"_SHUT. UP._"

.

.

"Is that chocolate?"

"Yeah, Elysia likes chocolate."

"I'm starving."

"What? I gave you guys lunch an hour ago."

"I'm still hungry. Havoc, you agree, right?"

"I like the Chief's roast beef sandwiches. So yes, I do."

"My god...I have a day to finish this, and after you've messed it up _and _I was nice enough to give the cake batter to you guys - "

"You know, you're acting like a nagging mom right now, Fullmetal."

"_WHAT WAS THAT, BASTARD?_"

"See, you're even waving a spoon. I've only known Gracia to do that. Have you had a change of gender, Fullmetal? I wouldn't be surprised with your hair and facial structure - _fuck!_"

"That's what you get, asshole."

"...the knife...deadly aim...precision...what the fuck..."

"That almost killed me!"

"Well, you're still locked up, and I didn't aim for your head. Or else you'd be a goner. Now shut up."

"Hey, Chief? Can I get another sandwich?"

"Havoc...I'm busy."

"But I'm hungry! And it's good..."

"I prefer the tuna."

"No, the roast beef is better."

"If you guys would shut your fucking potholes, maybe then I'd make more."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...Make sure it's tuna."

"Roast beef!"

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"You're gonna _decorate _it too?"

"Yeah...what's the purpose of the cake then?"

"In all chocolate?"

"Mmhm."

"Dammit, stop making me hungry, Chief."

"I gave you guys _more _sandwiches half an hour ago!"

"It's _chocolate. _With _chocolate chips _too."

"Havoc, shut up. I'm trying to sleep."

"It's six in the afternoon."

"What else do you expect me to do? I'm in a stone cell here!"

"So am I, but you don't see me whining."

"Hey, it really is six?"

"Yeah?"

"Huh. Then Hawkeye should be coming soon to pick you guys up."

"Really? Thank god. This place is a hellhole."

"Is it now? Because I remember _someone _complaining that they didn't want to leave earlier."

"It was because of the food! The food!"

"It always is."

"Hey Chief, can I eat the cake?"

"No. What kind of question is that?"

"One that was worth a try. A chocolate chip, at least?"

"The hell, Havoc?"

"Usually, without his cigs, Havoc gets hungry. And since you didn't want the smell of smoke in your dorm..."

"I'm not going to die from secondhand, thank you very much. Here."

"You're a life saver, Chief!"

"Wait a minute - can't I get some?"

"No."

"That's not fair!"

"Life's not fair, Mustang."

"But - but - I'm your superior officer!"

"That again? Right now, _I'm your babysitter._"

"..."

"..."

"...Owned."

"Edward?"

"Hawkeye? You're here! Great, you can take these two and put them back into the zoo they came from."

"...Did they give you too much trouble, Edward?"

"I'm right here, you know! Don't treat us like kids - goddammit Havoc, stop acting like a child!"

"The Chief's cooking is good, though!"

"Nice cake, Edward. Elysia's party on Friday?"

"Yeah, I plan to bring it over tomorrow. Oh, hey, let me get them out for you - "

"Ah, sweet freedom."

"Hey, I'll put this back for you - "

"Wait! I put the cake there - !"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...Edward...?"

"Hawkeye...I suggest you cover your ears."

"Sir?"

"_MUSTANG...HAVOC...!_"

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_I enjoyed writing this immensely, even though I'm not too funny. XD_


End file.
